Finding Technicolour Read online

  Me: Fine.

  Kai: How do u feel about going for a ride on my motorbike?

  Me: Not so fine … I don’t know??

  Kai: Well take ur time to decide. I have an idea/plan for us.

  Me: Will this idea/plan change if we don’t go on the motorbike?

  Kai: Y/N.

  Kai: If u say Y to said motorbike ride, my idea/plan will kind of be symbolic.

  Kai: No pressure though. You CAN say N.

  Kai: OXOX

  Still undecided, I stepped out of my room. I saw Liam tiptoeing down the hall. I was going to call out to ask what he was doing but I decided to follow him instead. I poked my head around the corner and my heart stopped. The door squeaked. “Liam!”

  He pulled the half of his body that was stepping into my Art Cave back into the hallway.

  “What are you doing?” My voice was loud. Stern.

  He raised his arms in surrender. “Whoa, P.”

  I stomped to him and shoved his shoulders. His back hit the wall much harder than I anticipated.

  “Ouch!” He clutched his shoulder. “P! What the hell?”

  “Don’t go in there! That’s my Art Cave. That’s my space.”

  “OK! Geez. No need to shove!”

  I bit my tongue, hoping to stop the tears I could feel expanding.

  “What? Have you got a dead body in there or something?”

  I didn’t reply. I folded my arms against my chest and stared at him with my jaw clenched. I stood my ground, hoping my lack of words would force him away.

  Liam shook his head and left.

  I walked past the lounge. He stared at the TV and didn’t say anything. I went to the kitchen and got a drink then plonked on the sofa. I felt like I had to keep him in sight. I needed to know where he was. I couldn’t have him see what was in my Art Cave.

  I didn’t know what he was watching, but these men were blowing something up. I kept my eyes forward then reached my palm out to him. I heard him snicker.

  “Thanks.” He said as he took the home-made cupcake.

  I looked at him and softly grinned. Food was our go-to strategy when a peace offering was needed.

  “I might need more than a cupcake this time, P. Like an explanation. What’s going on with you?”

  I kept my sight on the screen. The two men blew something up again. This time, the explosion was bigger. The damage was greater.

  “Nothing.” My panic flourished. I didn’t know how well I could talk myself out of this one.

  Later that day, I crouched at the front door and put on my shoes. As I was layered in clothes, my movements were somewhat restricted.

  “Where are you off to?” Liam said.

  I had to get out of the house. There was something I wanted to do, but the need to breathe was on top of my list. I wanted fresh air. I needed it.

  It had been a couple of hours since my squabble with Liam, and he hadn’t brought it up since I had pretended to be extremely invested in whatever TV show he had on. Truthfully, I couldn’t recall anything that had happened on the screen. I was silently listing off excuses, making up stories, anything I could think of that would convince him to drop the subject. Something that would make him forget what had happened. So I decided to leave him home alone – to prove I trusted him. I had simply overreacted. And if he did go into my Art Cave, I would figure out an explanation to divert him from the truth.

  “I’m going to see Kai at work. He messaged earlier, telling me he had an idea and wants me to think about my answer. I thought I’d try and coax out some more information from him in person.”

  “Want some company?”

  “You can come if you want.” I didn’t mean to be as harsh as I was being. The words just fell out that way.

  “Well will I be in the way?”

  “You won’t be in the way. If you want to come, come.”

  I waited for him to grab his jacket and beanie.

  We slowly made our way to the coffee shop. The outside world was still grey. I watched as the dark, leafless tree branches swayed with the wind, like strokes from paintbrushes. The pavement was damp from the afternoon’s rush of rain. A fresh breeze wrapped around my body, engulfing me within my colourless surroundings. I was glad it was winter. The world helped me stay inside my grey ways.

  I still didn’t want to see the light.

  “So, has the coffee shop changed that much since the last time we were in it?” Liam said.

  “No, not really. Obviously they’ve got different paintings.”

  “That’s cool. Any of them you like?”

  “Yeah, they’re really good. I’m pretty sure it’s work by two different artists. One of the collections is bright. Lots of colour. Filled with textures. The other is a little darker, like they’ve gone for a misty-fog theme. But they have a lot of detail. I think you’ll like them.”

  “So are you going to tell me why you attacked me like a crazy person?”

  “I’m sorry about that.” I looked at him. “I am. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

  He nodded slowly.

  “It’s just you know I don’t like anyone going in there and …”

  “P, I’ve been in there heaps of times. Yes, most of the time I was in there when you were there, but what’s the difference? It’s not like I was going to steal something or ruin one of your pictures. You know I’d never do that.”

  “I know, it’s …”

  “It’s what?”

  Liam I’ve made paintings about my secret and I don’t want you to see them. I don’t want to see them. I don’t want you to know.

  “I haven’t been in there since my crash.”

  “But the other night you said you’ve been drawing.”

  “I’ve been drawing in an art book I found in my room.”

  “Oh … But why haven’t you been in?”

  “For some reason it feels a bit overwhelming, and I don’t know what to make … Hold on a second, why were you going in?”

  “Well you owed me a drawing, remember? The taste of that pancake keeps coming back to haunt me. I’ve brushed my teeth four times! Plus, I’ve been thinking about getting a new tattoo and was hoping to find something.”

  “And now the real reason.”

  “OK, first off, all of that is true. You do owe me a drawing and I have been thinking about getting another tattoo and would love it to be designed by you–”

  “And second?”

  “I know at dinner you said you’d been drawing, but I thought that maybe because you haven’t really been in an exceptionally creative mood lately, that if I showed you some of your old work you might be inspired. I’m sorry for intruding.”

  We walked in silence for a minute.

  “Hey, I haven’t had a chance to say thanks for having my back at dinner. It was a close one. I almost crumbled.” Liam said.

  “What are sisters for?”

  “So how are things with Kai? Is he treating you right?”

  “Liam.”

  “I’ve got to make sure you’re happy, P. I’ve got to know that he’s a good guy. That’s my job.”

  “He’s treating me right. He’s a good guy.”

  “You really like this kid then?”

  I grinned. “Yeah.” This was the first time I had really admitted how I felt about Kai to someone else. It felt nice to say the words. Part of me even felt relieved.

  “Well, good.” Liam nudged me.

  After I regained my balance, we continued our slow stroll. I glanced at him. He was biting his lip. I knew what it meant when he did that. He had something he wanted to say. Something important.

  “What is it?”

  Liam looked at me, surprised. His blue eyes wide. “What?”

  “What are you thinking? And don’t tell me you’re not. I know you are.”

  “OK. But, don’t get angry, P, or try and push me away.”

  I stopped moving. Planted my feet on the path. Liam continued one more step until he realised then stepped ba
ck to me and looked me in the eyes.

  “What is it?”

  I saw him swallow the lump in his throat.

  “I just wanted to ask you about how you’re feeling, with the crash and things.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “P, I don’t want to make you upset.”

  “I’m not. I already told you and Mum, I’m fine.”

  “OK. But, you can tell me though, if you’re not. I’m good at keeping secrets, too.”

  I nodded, hoping my silent agreement would be the end of this conversation.

  But it wasn’t.

  “It’s just …” Liam stopped himself.

  “Just say it, Liam.” I needed to know what he was thinking. If there was something I could do to convince him to think of me differently. To see me differently. If there was something I could do to show him I was OK. That I was fine. Even if it wasn’t the full truth.

  “Before the accident, you seemed distant. I know it kind of sounds stupid ’cause I’m away at college and we don’t see each other every day. But, I’d got used to our chats through technology. You’d send me random messages or videos of you painting in your Art Cave. And you kind of stopped doing that for a while. I was going to talk to you about it. Ask if things were OK, if I’d done something wrong. Then you were in the crash and, well, my world stopped.”

  Tears brimmed in my eyes. I didn’t blink, in the hope that they would remain still. I separated my lips, wanting words to leave them. But before a sound escaped, Liam spoke.

  “I’ve got to know that you’re all right here, P. That you and Mum and are both happy, because I’ll come back home without hesitating if you need me. Remember, before I left for college, you promised me you’d let me know if you or Mum needed me. You promised.”

  In that moment I wanted to beg him to stay. To admit I needed him. That without him there, I was empty. Without him there, I could never be fully happy. Part of me wanted to tell him about the darkness I craved and about the secret from my past that I had run from. Because I knew he could protect me.

  But I couldn’t. I couldn’t ask him to drop his life for me. It wouldn’t be fair.

  I didn’t know how I was pulling it off, but the tears in my eyes remained there. Not a single one rolled to my chin. I knew they wouldn’t stay still for much longer. I stepped to Liam, stood on my tiptoes and latched my arms around his neck. I stared at the grey distance as my chin rested on his shoulder. I let my tears fall without sound as I breathed slowly. Liam wrapped his arms around me and stroked my back.

  “I know the reward I want for my silence about your almost expulsion.”

  “Oh yeah, what is it?”

  I squeezed him. “I want you to stay … I want you to stay at college, and promise me that you’ll graduate. I want to see you in that cap and gown. I want to be that proud little sister cheering her big brother on from the audience.”

  “Deal.” Liam kissed the top of my head. “But I better be able to hear you over the crowd.”

  “Deal.” I wiped my eyes before we detached from our hug, realising I hadn’t really answered his question. I hadn’t given him any proof that I was OK. “Liam, I am OK. Speaking with Dr Wilson is really helping.” I saw a speck of hurt gloss over his eyes and assumed it came from my confiding in a therapist and not him. I knew he’d never say that though; after all, he did help Mum talk me into going. And I knew he knew the sessions were helping me.

  “That’s good, P. I’m glad you’re still going to therapy and that it’s helping you.”

  I smiled the best I could. Hoped that I was beginning to convince him.

  “Maybe I should head back home,” Liam said. “I think I’ve already ruined your walk enough. I don’t want to ruin your chat with Kai.”

  “No, don’t go home. You’ve not ruined anything.”

  Liam flung his arm around my shoulder and we continued our walk.

  We entered the coffee shop. It felt good to be out of the cold. I watched as Liam examined the art. It was the same canvases as the day Kai and I had met. The dream of having a piece of my own art in there sparked in my mind.

  “Why don’t you look around then grab us a seat while I order us something and quickly chat with Kai. It won’t take too long.”

  “Take your time. No rush.”

  I ordered mine and Liam’s drinks then made my way over to Kai. He smiled. I felt lighter inside but my thoughts were locked in the dark. I liked the way Kai looked at me. The way he made me feel like I was OK with him. Maybe more than OK.

  “Hello Peyton. What you up to?” Kai continued to sweep the floor behind the counter while he spoke.

  “Liam and I are just hanging out. Also, I came here to ask you if you could go into any more detail about said plan slash idea?”

  “No can do. That would ruin the surprise. And before you say you don’t like surprises, I think you’ll like this one. I promise no school or mention of sensitive topics. Now that you know me, and I’m your boyfriend, I think that increases the trust between us … Do you trust me?”

  Did I?

  Could I?

  Maybe.

  “Yeah, but I …”

  “If you’re worried about the motorbike, you don’t have to be. I’ll take it slow, just like we did with our first car ride. I can’t take it too slow, otherwise we’ll fall off. But I’ll keep you safe, just like I promised your mum.”

  I stared at him as I decided on my answer.

  “Are you up for it then?” Kai asked.

  His charming aura was weakening me.

  “Yes. I’m up for it. But is there any chance this plan is happening anytime soon? I think I’d prefer it that way before I have the chance to change my mind.”

  “Is tomorrow soon enough?”

  “Yeah. Until then I’ll just not think about it.” I turned around ready to make my way back to Liam and let Kai get back to his work, until I remembered something and turned back to him. “One more thing. Can we maybe not tell my mum about your motorbike or our motorbike ride? She’d freak and most likely chase you out of the house holding a frying pan high in the air if she found out.”

  “She’s not a fan of them either?”

  “Well I’m more of a fan than she is, but with everything that’s happened, it’s just easier if we keep it to ourselves.”

  “My lips are sealed. Another secret we keep … I like it.”

  I was about to step away.

  “Wait!” Kai said. “Where do you want me to pick you up from?”

  “Um … Here. Just tell me the time and we’ll meet here tomorrow and go forth and conquer your said plan.”

  Chapter TWENTY-SEVEN

  I told Mum I was going on a date with Kai and I didn’t know when I’d be home. She wished us both a good time and told me to call her if I needed anything. The weather wasn’t too cold as I made my way to the coffee shop. The air was calm and a soft breeze occasionally swept through, but it hadn’t rained.

  Nerves pricked at my insides. A mix of genuine nerves about my first time on a motorbike, intertwined with my excitement to spend time with my boyfriend. My boyfriend. How weird.

  I saw Kai. He looked hot leaning against his jet-black bike, waiting for me. The motorbike seemed bigger – meaner – compared to the last time I had seen it. I felt my muscles soak up fresh nerves as if they were a sponge.

  “Are you ready for this, Peyton Swift?”

  “I don’t think you can get more ready than I am right now,”

  “Really?”

  “No! I’m kind of scared and a little nervous. I don’t know … I’m just trying to psych myself up.”

  Kai laughed at me. This simple sound made me ease up, if only a little.

  A thin-toothed headband pulled his hair back and made it looked lighter. He rubbed his hands together as a smile grew. He bobbed up and down only just moving his knees. His brightness was bursting. I silently tried to boost myself up to a high-excited level, even though I knew I’d never reach his. Before he h
anded me his spare helmet, I plaited my hair and let it fall down my back, then placed the helmet on my head. Kai double-checked to make sure it was strapped tight enough.

  Kai introduced me to his bike.

  “Take a seat and I’ll show you what everything does.”

  I cocked my leg over and sat down. As I planted my feet on the pavement, I gently placed my palms on the handlebars. The bike felt heavy. Foreign. Unpredictable. I released my grasp and lent back slightly. My eyes trailed over the left handlebar, home to the light switch and indicators.

  “Just remember you’ve got to push the button in to turn it off. It doesn’t automatically turn off like a car.” Kai said that like I would be the one in control. “And directly below the indicators, you’ve got the horn.”

  My eyes followed his direction as he started to explain the right side.

  “So right here, you have the kill switch, which is only used for emergency purposes but you leave it on all the time. And then you’ve got your throttle. Also, near where you rest your feet you’ve got your braking system. So the handlebar brake here on the right is just for the front wheel of the bike and the rear brake is near your feet. The handlebar brake is used most of the time, though.”

  I turned to follow Kai as he stepped back to my left side.

  “So here you’ve got the clutch lever. You can give that a bit of a squeeze if you want.”

  I raised my hand to clasp the silver bar. It didn’t do anything because the bike wasn’t turned on. But my unsureness of this moment was starting to escalate.

  The motion paused when Kai continued his explanation.

  “And near your feet you have the gear shifter.” He started telling me about the number of gears and what they each did, but stopped when he noticed the terms went over my head. “Sorry, you don’t really need to know that. So that’s basically it.”

  I stayed quiet.

  “How do you feel?”

  “All right … I guess.” I remained on the bike. Even though my cautiousness was re-sparking, I wanted to go for the ride and wasn’t going to let the voice inside my head talk me out of it. I wanted to feel something different. I wanted the adrenaline rush.