Finding Technicolour Page 15

  Slowly, I retouched the handlebars. They felt strong. Forceful. My fingertips lightly grazed the breaks. My hand travelled down to the smooth seat. My thoughts got lost in a familiar notion – the notion I had felt when I’d got in the car that night unsupervised. The notion I had felt just before my crash. Not caring what happened to me. Knowing that it was a risk I was taking. Putting myself on the line. Putting my body on the line and not caring if it broke, because I already felt broken.

  I was ready. I wanted to ride.

  I told Kai I was fine. I hopped off the bike. He cocked his leg over and found his stance. I scurried back on. I was ready for the rush. Kai told me to hold on really tight. He revved the engine. It was loud. A thunderous retort. I liked the sensation. He asked me if I was OK. I told him to start the ride before I could change my mind. I didn’t want to lose the feeling I had uncovered.

  We rolled to the road then whisked away. Blood rushed through my veins. My skin tingled. It was as if I could feel the adrenaline cooking inside me. I wanted more. I needed more. I wanted to hold onto the moment for as long as I could. As we swayed through traffic and journeyed along the road, I felt unrestricted. Somehow, I felt in control. As if I was driving my feelings. From the thrill of the ride I felt like I could run away from my darkness. My secret. My past.

  I was almost ready to scream for Kai to go faster – drive until we were out of this town. This place. This world. I didn’t know why I’d been so nervous. The ride made me feel alive. I was alive. That was what I wanted.

  Kai didn’t speed or break any road rules. He kept to his word. As we continued, I realised that was the closest we’d actually been to one another. Sure we had hugged before and we’d kissed, but our bodies hadn’t been that close for long. I felt unsure, but I had no choice but to hold onto him. I squeezed him tight. I was scared to death but I wanted to be close to him.

  My heartbeat hit his back and I wondered if he felt it too. He said he’d been working on a six-pack. I thought he’d said that to try and impress me – but I believed him now. His torso was lean. I closed my eyes and enjoyed having him close, then quickly opened them because I didn’t want to miss this fast, new way to look at the houses that appeared smudged as we passed them. The trees and bushes that morphed together blending into a deep-brown, dirty-green wall. The roads were fairly empty but the cars we passed weren’t by us for long. We whisked past them like we had superpowers. I wondered if that was the way Kai always saw the world.

  The further we drove the fewer houses we passed. The only things I saw were blurry cows and wire fences that interweaved with grass that spread for ever. The crackling sound of the bike’s engine echoed down the empty gravel road we now travelled down.

  We arrived at our destination. Kai switched off the engine and parked the bike. I didn’t want to come down from that high, but hopped off the bike and slipped out of my helmet to search our surroundings. Tall bare trees greeted us. The smell of damp bark and mud locked in my nose. “So what are we doing here?”

  “Well Miss Swift, this is where we could’ve gone on our first date, if you hadn’t been too chicken to get on the bike. I will be honest and say I did hold slight judgement on you for not taking that risk, but now I understand why. So then, do you want to explore this forest?”

  I smiled at him. “Yeah. I do … Now that we’re here, I’m even more intrigued.”

  We made our way through the forest to Kai’s secret place. I knew other people went there too because food wrappers were scattered on the ground. I hadn’t been to this area in years. There are several different trails that are used more often during summer. Mum, Liam and I had walked most of them when I was younger. But exploring the outdoors was not my favourite activity.

  On a dark winters day, I imagined that place being scary. The shapes of the trees and rustling sound of animals in near bushes would have caused me to question mine and Kai’s safety. But that day, the weather was lighter. Cold. But a lighter grey. The sun tousled behind thin clouds, trying to shine. The rays intertwined through the branches, creating shadows on the forest ground.

  Kai had brought food and a picnic blanket and we made ourselves comfortable, like that place was our home. I kept my bag near my side. I felt like the contents were screaming at me, commanding me to reveal what was inside. If I didn’t take it out now it would burn a hole and make its own way to Kai.

  “I brought you something.”

  “I told you, you didn’t have to bring anything,” Kai said. “I thought we agreed I’d bring everything.”

  “No, not food.”

  “Oh, OK.”

  I turned to my bag and took a deep breath. I shuffled through the contents and found what I was looking for then held on to it as I debated, eventually pulling out an A4 piece of paper. I turned around to face him.

  “What’s this?”

  “I’ve drawn something. I want to show you.”

  Kai crossed his legs and sat up straight like he was a little boy about to open a birthday present. I handed the paper to him. He gazed at it, inspecting every part of it. Every line I had painted. Every mark on the page.

  My first creation post-accident was a portrait of Kai. I had used watercolours – my favourite medium. I had made his blue/brown eyes the main focus under the colour markings splattered across the paper. It was the way I thought he saw the world. All colours. Every shade.

  After what felt like half an hour, he smiled his cheeky smile. “Thank you.”

  Thank you? That was not really the response I was looking for. Was that a thank you for drawing him? Or a thank you for showing him my work?

  “What do you think? Do you like it?”

  I needed to know.

  “Peyton it’s incredible. You should do art more often.” He chuckled at his own joke. “Why’d you draw me?”

  I didn’t really want him to ask that. Actually, I hadn’t expected him to ask that. And now he had, I had to explain. Trying to find the right words, I said; “I drew you because you’re unlike anyone I’ve ever known. The way you see the world, the colours you see it in, intrigue me. You help me see things differently. In brighter colours … I drew you like that because that’s the way I see you.”

  His warm smile stroked a new colour on my pallet. A colour I didn’t need to be scared of – or prepared for. For some reason it felt natural. My heart softened. I felt OK.

  “The second piece of artwork I’ve seen by the incredible Peyton Swift.”

  “Second?”

  “Yeah. I saw the tattoo on Liam’s arm. When I came round for dinner and you were helping your mum dish out dessert, it was just the two of us in the lounge and I asked him which one you had designed.”

  “Sneaky.”

  “I have my moments … I think it’s awesome by the way. How would you feel if I got one of your pieces inked on my skin? I’d prefer it to be original, a one of a kind, but whatever piece you felt was right I’d accept.”

  “You’re going to get a tattoo?”

  “I’m thinking about it, especially since I have my very own artist at my beck and call. If or when I got one, would it make me cuter, hotter and or sexier?”

  I laughed.

  “Seriously. Which one do you think I am?”

  “Well because you said and slash or, I could think that you’re more than one of the above categories.”

  “And in our questionnaire you answered yes to the above question, all I want to know is which one.”

  “N.A.”

  I smiled as I observed the nature surrounding me. After spending time with Kai, I found he wasn’t a surfer type of guy after all. Maybe the hair threw me the first time we met, but I quickly came to realise he was a rock type of guy. A rock god. My rock god. In the sanctuary of my own thoughts I was free to admit and accept that he was hot, cute and sexy. But I wasn’t going to tell him it was all three.

  The air grew colder. We snuggled in the blanket and talked about travelling around the world and places we’d always
wanted to go. The places we wanted to go together. We spoke about our dreams and what we had wanted to be when we were kids. Kai said he’d wanted to be an astronaut, but as he grew older he had become interested in being a paramedic. I told him I had wanted to be an artist – I still kind of did – but as I got older I turned it into a more realistic job and was fixed on being an art teacher. But now that was out of the question because I hadn’t even graduated from high school. I felt like I would vomit just thinking about school.

  As the days passed since returning home from hospital and my confessions with Dr Wilson, the cruel details of that moment were becoming clearer. Sharper. Deep down I knew that I wouldn’t be able to run from those thoughts or ignore that part of my past for much longer. No matter how hard I tried.

  The blanket and our bodies kept us warm. Glancing at Kai, I wondered what colours he saw that moment in. That day, for me, not everything was grey. And I was OK with that. We stared into each other’s eyes. Our faces so close to one another. He slowly leant closer then whispered. “Can I kiss you?”

  We’d already kissed before so I knew how sweet it could be, but I wished that he’d just kissed me without asking. I was also glad he did ask. It proved he cared. Proved he wanted me to be comfortable.

  My curiosity hurriedly took over my doubtfulness.

  I nodded. Then closed my eyes just like he did and our lips touched. At first I flinched. A part of me didn’t want to continue. Kai noticed my slight restraint. For a couple of seconds he stopped. He didn’t move his face from mine. I didn’t move mine from his.

  I wanted his kiss.

  I closed my eyes and leant to him. He came back to me and we kissed again. I felt my darkness search for an entrance into my thoughts. But I ignored it. I wanted to feel the moment. Really feel. I wanted to see the colour it offered.

  We slowly left each other’s lips and moved backwards, staring at one another. I saw the question printed on his face, ‘Did I like it?’ So many things ran through my mind, but the sweet taste of his kiss lingered and I craved more. I kissed him again and hoped that was a good enough answer. Our lips moved in lusting emotion. But he still somehow kept a gentleness, and that brought relief.

  I liked his kisses. I liked the light they brought.

  In that moment, I liked the colours I saw.

  Chapter TWENTY-EIGHT

  Kai and I stayed wrapped in the blanket surrounded by the darkened bark beauty. The trees felt like our protectors. I could almost pretend that we had been immersed in a mysterious fantasy world, and in that moment we could act like we were the only two humans on earth.

  In-between us chit chatting, we kissed. Each time we kissed it felt right. And somehow every kiss was better than the last.

  I liked that. It felt OK for me to like it.

  The sun was slowly setting. We decided to make our way back home. My heart tickled my insides as I put the helmet back on. I wondered if Kai could tell how big my smile was behind it. I sat on the bike and held onto him. I squeezed tighter as he revved the engine and we shot away.

  The ride was exhilarating – just like it was before. The speed mixed with the fresh wind that whisked past our bodies made me feel like we were gliding. Floating. It reminded me of when I was younger, to the time I would skate at the ice rink, just before I’d smash to the floor. I was too young to appreciate that sweet moment of bliss due to the countless times I’d fall flat on my face and almost have my fingers sliced off. The moment of sliding over the ice didn’t last long enough before I’d crash, so I vowed to Mum that I wouldn’t go ice-skating again. She only took Liam and me a few times for family outings during winter, but I quickly realised what side of the rink I should be on.

  As Kai and I continued, our surroundings merged from grass and cows to houses and cars. My pulse filled with adrenaline each time we raced past another vehicle. The rush was thrilling. I wanted to feel it again. I wanted to feel more.

  Traffic lights were nearing. I noticed the light turning from green to amber. We were just far enough away that we could either drive on – continuing forward, continuing this feeling – or we could slow down to a stop. I wanted Kai to risk it. My heart hammered.

  I realised he’d started to slow down when the cars and lines on the pavement became clear. The light was red. We stopped. I felt my adrenaline drop. All of a sudden, I felt guilty for silently pleading for him to risk running a red light. Who was I to ask him to jeopardise his life for me? Who was I to get him to do something illegal just so I could clutch onto a thrill until it vanished minutes later?

  The seconds dragged before the light turned green, my guilt weighing on me. I wasn’t paying attention. My sight was locked with the ground. The numbness that was slowly settling vanished when we suddenly drove off. I squeezed Kai tight. My body was buzzing again.

  I felt brave.

  The modern gentleman that he was, Kai walked me right to my front doorstep. Mum was on a late shift so we were safe from being caught with the “death trap” as she called them. I couldn’t help but picture what Mum would have done if she had known what had happened. She probably would have asked for Kai’s keys and told him to go home. Then she’d have escorted me inside, given me a short lecture on safety and question what I was thinking, and why I was taking a risk like this since I’d just been in a car crash. Then she’d keep her angry face on for thirty minutes. I knew Liam would’ve been impressed. Even though he’s more into cars, he can appreciate a decent vehicle when he sees one. He was at his friends’ house before heading back to college the next morning. I knew if he’d seen he wouldn’t have told Mum. I was a little disappointed that his visit only lasted a few days – but he had to get back to his studies. I was so happy I’d seen him that I didn’t want to dwell on the feeling of missing him that would soon swell to the surface.

  I turned to Kai to see him ruffle his hair. “Do you want to hang out some more?”

  “What about your mum?” Kai said. “I don’t think I’m ready to be chased out of the house with a frying pan. I don’t think I’d have enough time to casually rev up my motorbike and make my fast getaway so you still thought I was cute, hot and or sexy. So I’d have to run down the street and leave my bike stranded to fend for itself and I don’t even want to think what your mum would do to my bike.”

  “Kai,” I chuckled, “Mum won’t be back for a while. She’s on a late shift. And I promise I’ll make sure you leave with plenty of time before she gets home. You and your bike will be safe and sound.”

  He took a breath. “OK then.”

  We cooked popcorn and decided to watch a movie. Kai told me to choose whatever I wanted. I found myself sway towards another classic black and white film. I felt as though I had experienced so many colours that day, I wasn’t sure if I was ready to continue to push my boundaries. I had enjoyed the light that we shared and the colours I had seen. I didn’t want to ruin it. I turned the TV on and hoped the Classic channel was playing something in black and white. An orchestra blared through the speakers. The sound of trumpets beat my eardrums. A film had just started. I felt my muscles relax as I saw no colours.

  Kai and I cuddled on the sofa. After our moment together in the forest it felt right – better than right.

  The credits rolled as we made out. The end music felt like we were in our own movie. Like our moment was being scored. The instrumental music reflected my joyfulness – my unexpected, almost fully fledged happiness. It made the kissing even better. When we stopped kissing, we gazed into each other’s eyes. It was like his were sparkling. They were colours I could use to paint my world brighter.

  Kai softly caressed my cheek then brushed my hair behind my ear. “I’m falling more in love with you, Peyton Swift.”

  My mind flashed with fear. Uncertainty. I couldn’t say that I loved him back. He didn’t actually say he loved me anyway, just that he was falling more in love with me. I didn’t even know if I loved him. Did I love him? I liked him. More than liked, and it was more than a crush.
I just wasn’t ready to say love. Love was a word that meant so much and I didn’t know if I was ready for those colours – for that light. He pecked the tip of my nose. My body tingled. Blood pumped through my veins. He was teaching me to have more courage. The thought of intimacy took over the previous stumps of doubt.

  “Do you want …” I breathed. Was I ready for that? “Do you want to?”

  “Do I want to, what?”

  I just looked at him, kind of raised my eyebrows and hoped he could read my thoughts.

  Kai stared at me with an expression of surprise. “Do you want to?”

  We made our way to my room. It wasn’t sexy like in the movies when they passionately roll down the walls while pashing and stripping each other of their clothes. Kai and I took slow steps together while we held hands. He held mine tightly and I was grateful. I didn’t want to float away. Right in that moment he felt like my anchor.

  My mind crashed with thoughts. My darkness tried to search for an entrance. But I wanted to see colours. I wanted to see light. I’d been told that being intimate was supposed to be bright. Magical. I needed to test that theory.

  I opened my door, thankful I’d kind of cleaned my room the other day. It had been my room for eleven years. It wasn’t supposed to be spit-spot clean – I didn’t think anyway. A few clothes were sprawled on the floor and a couple of my drawers were slightly open. CDs were stacked on my shelves alongside my favourite trinkets. The smell of vanilla encompassed everything in the room.

  I felt uneasy. Unprepared. But partly happy.

  I looked at Kai. Did he still want to? I was nervous. And could tell he was too, his smile soft. We released our hands. He lingered in the doorway. I assumed he wanted another invitation.

  “So, this is my room …” I stretched my arms out wide.

  Kai stepped into my space.

  My heart raced.

  His eyes inspected my CD collection. The art scattered on my walls. “You drew all these?”

  I nodded.

  Some were small scraps of paper with pen sketches that I had stuck above my desk. Others were different sized painted canvases that hung on my walls. During my earlier days out of hospital I was able to haze out the colours they were cloaked with – ignore their presence. Since I’d met Kai I’d been able to accept the colours without caution. I wasn’t afraid to open my eyes in the morning and look at what I had produced. I wasn’t afraid to feel what I felt when I looked at them. I might not have been able to look at them for long, but it was a start. It was better than nothing.