Finding Technicolour Page 16

  I observed Kai as he continued to inspect my bedroom. I assumed he was finished when he turned to face me. Our eyes met. My heart skipped a beat.

  Were we really going to do it? Did I want to do it?

  Yes.

  No.

  Maybe.

  No.

  I swallowed the lump in my throat that was on the verge of choking me. The darkness in me was spreading. I didn’t want it to, but I couldn’t help it. Kai edged towards me. I slid back slightly. My mind fluttered at how attractive I found him.

  “Do you still want to?” He asked. “It’s OK if you don’t.”

  I opened my mouth. My words weren’t released. I coughed to clear my throat. “Um …” Did I want to?

  Yes.

  No.

  Maybe.

  A memory thrashed to the front of my mind. It was so forceful – my skin felt it too. I was beginning to feel repulsed by the touch Kai had not yet given me.

  “Peyton, we don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. If you’re not ready, it’s fine. We can go back to the lounge and watch another movie or maybe I go home and we can hang out tomorrow…”

  I pressed on one of my scabs – the largest one that brought me the most pain. My pressured touch didn’t work as well as I wanted. I didn’t know what to do. Thinking about being intimate only produced hurt and pain. But I still needed to know if it could be something better. Brighter. If it was, then maybe I could move on. Maybe I could take a step in the right direction to feeling better about myself. Allowing myself to live. To love. To be. “I think I want to … Do you?”

  “Only if you do.” Kai took my trembling hand in his. I was almost inclined to snatch it away, but there he was – my anchor.

  The darkness slightly decreased. His touch centred my fast-tracked mind. I felt ready. Or as ready as I could be.

  I felt OK. I felt safe.

  “I do.” My heart fluttered as the words left my lips.

  Suddenly, I became weary. I looked up at him and reached for a kiss so I didn’t overthink. We met halfway. Our lips touched. The sensation sparked a light in me. A defence I used to fight my darkness.

  It was quiet. We stepped together and settled, perched at the end of my bed. I searched his blue/brown eyes. They told me what I already knew. He was caring. Loving. Present in the moment. I hoped my eyes didn’t reveal my internal battle. My worries. My doubt. My darkness.

  I reached for his face and traced it with my lightly trembling hand. His skin was soft. Warm. My thumb stroked his eyebrow before my fingers combed his thick hair. He didn’t move, as if he knew any sudden movement would make me retreat. I removed the thin headband he wore and dropped it to the ground. He flicked his hair then tousled it. We both smiled.

  Kai’s thumb gently traced my lips. I breathed slowly. I wanted to know what he thought. My mind was swept with wild thoughts. Kai leant in and kissed me. We worked our bodies into the movement. Our shoulders rolled and our fingertips kneaded each other’s skin. My heart continued to race.

  Kai slipped his t-shirt off. Like admiring a sculpture, I studied his physique. He wasn’t chiselled like a Roman gladiator; his figure was lean and I could see the foundation of his muscles forming. He kissed me once then put his hands to my waist and lifted my jumper over my head. We panted in need for air and each other’s kiss. I wore a singlet and he gently removed it, making me feel exposed. Unready. I was uneasy and questioned whether intimacy was what I wanted. His fingertips grazed the arch of my back. A memory flashed. My muscles tensed and my body jolted. I still hoped my eyes didn’t reveal my internal battle.

  Kai stopped and looked at me.

  “It’s OK. Let’s keep going …” I shook the thought from my mind, reached for his face and kissed him. I tried to mean it as much as I could. I didn’t want the dark to overtake me. I wanted the colours.

  Kai lay me down. His hand rested behind my head until it touched the pillow. He was on top of me. Nerves continued to trickle through me. His bright eyes scanned over my skin. They found the marks. I wondered what he thought of my scabs. My scars. He touched some of my healed wounds as if he were drawing them on me. He pecked a couple of them on my forearm. “Are these from your accident?”

  “Yes.” I wanted to know what he was thinking. I wanted to be in his head.

  He whispered. “They’re beautiful.”

  Kai’s kisses made their way up my neck. Then his lips were on my lips. Another spark of light emerged like it had on the motorbike. I wanted the adrenaline. I wanted to feel.

  I could feel him becoming ready. He unbuttoned his jeans and slid them down his legs. As he did, I took off my bra. He looked at my breasts like they were made of gold – the best treasure he’d ever seen. He kissed my stomach, which made my body roll. My insides fluttered. My stomach twisted. He unbuttoned my jeans then slipped them off. We kissed again.

  Kai looked into my eyes. “Are you sure?”

  I bit my lip and nodded.

  We each removed our underwear. Both completely naked.

  I grabbed a condom from my side drawer – I’d stolen it from Liam’s room one day. Kai put it on.

  I ignored the darkness that fought to bombard me. I used the specks of light that emerged as a guard. I focused on the thrilling feeling. The want of intimacy. I wanted that moment to be filled with colours. I needed that moment to be soaked with light.

  I felt safe with Kai. That made me believe I could be – that I deserved to be – happy. Whole. Loved. I couldn’t let myself go with anyone else. It had to be with him.

  Kai and I moved as one. Our rhythm was stirring and it took over my being. I let myself go. I was unguarded. We fitted together perfectly.

  In that moment, my darkness drowned out and we ignited colours. Colours I never thought I’d see.

  Chapter TWENTY-NINE

  I skipped out on that week’s therapy session. Mum was forced to work a different shift so she couldn’t get me there. I know I could’ve asked Kai to take me, but I didn’t really want him to be a part of that portion of me. I realised it was stupid because of how much I had shared with him already. But I was more than happy to try a week without therapy. To see how I would be. I assured Mum that missing one week was going to be fine. That I was fine. Because I was. It was OK not to speak with Dr Wilson, because I had begun to open up with Kai. I had shared a part of me with him that I couldn’t with anyone else – and it wasn’t just the physical aspect. Sure, Kai didn’t know the things I had told Dr Wilson, but he knew where my secret was kept. He was giving me time to acknowledge. To think. To feel. And if I never did, that was fine. He said he didn’t care about my past.

  Maybe things were better kept that way.

  I wanted to spend the day with Kai, but he was working and I didn’t want to distract him at the coffee shop. We sent texts back and forth, so the colours from that would have to be enough.

  Me: How’s work?

  Kai: Boring cause you’re not here.

  Half an hour later.

  Kai: Have u been working on my tattoo art yet? Y or N.

  Me: N. I didn’t think u were serious about that. Plus u haven’t even told me what u want!

  Kai: Yes I am serious! I would like to have a Peyton Swift original somewhere on my body. And it’s called using your imagination. You’re the artist! I think u know me well enough to come up with something I’ll like.

  Fifteen minutes later.

  Kai: How’s the other art coming along?

  Me: So-so.

  Kai: Made it into the Art Cave?

  Me: N.

  A couple of hours later.

  Kai: Now we’re one, connected by fate. Our colours collide; they can be seen from space. With you I am happy, at home and safe. With you I am whole, I have found my place.

  Me: XOXO

  Half an hour later.

  Me: This whole time I’ve been trying to come up with my own poem. Wanting to impress/intrigue u and I’ve come up with nothing! I’m awful with words th
at’s why I draw.

  Kai: Then draw me something. OXOX

  I had been camped at the kitchen table, drawing. I was no longer hesitant to grab a colour and create with it – express myself with it. I had slowly run out of materials and my hands craved to use something new. To get dirty. I knew that if I wanted to keep drawing, creating, eventually I would need to get more art supplies. I would need to go into my Art Cave.

  I sauntered to the door of the garage and strongly planted in front of it, like I was proving that it no longer beat me. That I could walk in there at any time.

  But I didn’t go in.

  The remembering had begun. The details were no longer vague. It stung. My heart dropped to my stomach then rose into my mouth. I felt like I was sinking into the floor. I wished I was. I stumbled away. Defeated.

  It won again.

  Instead, I watched TV. I eased myself into the black and white cinematography.

  My phone beeped.

  Kai: Would u like to have dinner with my family? Y or N.

  Me: Y. I would love to.

  Chapter THIRTY

  The next day I awoke cocooned in my blankets. I felt low. I let a small part of me hold hope that I could have gone into my cave. That I was going to go in. Deep down, I knew I wasn’t ready for it, but I wanted to capture the bravery I’d felt.

  During the afternoon I tried to distract myself. I stayed away from drawing and the problem of art supplies and my cave. My healing injuries no longer brought a pain intensity that was strong enough to create a distraction, so I had to search elsewhere. I cleaned the house and went for a couple of walks. Which kept my mind at bay.

  I thought about Liam and the conversation we’d had. Because I didn’t step into the garage, I wanted to prove that I was OK. Even if the person I was trying to convince was Liam. I had once thought the distance between us made it easier to convince him, only to realise I had to try twice as hard. That the whole time he knew something was wrong. Even before my crash. I grabbed my phone and sent him a text.

  Me: U will be pleased to know I am working on new art! X

  Liam: Really?! I’m proud of u P. Keep it up & show me something new ASAP! xx

  Kai picked me up in his tin can. By that time I kind of liked it and even gave it a nickname, “Tinarrhoea” – because of the rust that bordered the doors and the back gas that trailed behind after it started up. I thought the nickname suited it completely. Kai didn’t really like the name, but he said he didn’t care what I called it, so long as I was there with him and I felt safe.

  During the drive I battled with myself. I didn’t want my tainted mood to affect my first meeting with his family and the dinner we would share. I also didn’t want Kai to know I had felt defeated. That my darkness could still take such a toll on me after the colours we had created. I didn’t want him to worry.

  We arrived at Kai’s house. It was one storey with red bricks. There was a large tree in the front garden with a home-made swing roped to it. The bark was damp from the rain and the branches were leafless. I could imagine golden-brown and orange leaves scattered across the grass during autumn. Or fresh, lush, green leaves decked on the branches at summertime. I imagined the front garden in summer – the bright green grass and colourful petals of the flowers that welcomed you as you stepped to the front door.

  Kai seemed a little nervous. I was too. As we made our way to the door, I heard his younger brother and sister playing inside, laughing. Fear took a hold because I didn’t know if I was ready for their colours.

  The smell of onions, garlic and steam greeted us as we entered the house. I followed Kai to the lounge. The room’s colours were a rich red and gold. The wooden TV cabinet and coffee table tied the space together. Family photos were framed and hung on the wall. I was overwhelmed but kept my anxiety hidden.

  “Peyton, this is my mum Melissa and my stepdad Robert.” Kai smiled.

  “Hello.” I half-heartedly waved.

  “It’s so nice to meet you, Peyton. Just call me Mel.” She smiled then kissed me on the cheek. “We’ve heard a bit about you. It’s nice to finally put a face to the name.” She was in her mid to late forties. Her dyed blonde hair was tied back in a short ponytail. Her light-blue eyes shone. She seemed to be so happy meeting someone from Kai’s life.

  Robert had a shaved head and trimmed goatee beard. His large brown eyes looked like melted chocolate. “Hi Peyton. Just call me Rob.”

  “This is my little brother, Seth,” Kai said as he tousled Seth’s brown hair. He scampered away and collapsed near his Lego. “And this is my little sister, Isla.” Kai lifted her in the air. She giggled and wrapped her legs around his waist.

  “This is Peyton, are you gonna say hi?”

  Isla sheepishly gazed at me. “Hi.”

  “Hi Isla. You’ve got a very pretty name.”

  She smiled, resting her head on Kai’s shoulder.

  “I’ve also got another little brother; he’s my stepbrother and his name’s Hugh. He’s not here tonight though. He’s with his mum,” Kai said. “Maybe you’ll get to meet him next time.”

  Mel and Rob made their way to the kitchen for the last-minute touches for dinner. Kai, Seth, Isla and I stayed in the lounge. I sat on the sofa after peering over the family photos. I watched as Kai wrestled with Seth over the same Lego piece. Seth’s laughter sprang through the air. It hit me unexpectedly. The brightness made me feel exposed. But part of me couldn’t help but like the feeling.

  Kai swooped up Isla and plonked himself next to me. She balanced on his knee. He bounced his legs and she threw her head back laughing. I found myself smiling.

  Rob announced dinner was ready. Seth and Isla ran to the kitchen. Kai held the door open and stretched out his hand to me. I reached for it like I was in an abandoned ship. As soon as our fingers linked, I felt a little better. Like I could breathe a little easier. I was back with my anchor.

  The six of us sat around the dinner table. The rich smell of home-made ratatouille wafted into my nostrils. My stomach rumbled. I sat next to Kai. Our hands brushed as we each reached for our water. A rush of anxiety swept through me. My secret lodged in the front of my brain. I suddenly lost my appetite.

  “So Peyton, what do you do?” Rob asked.

  For a brief moment I felt like I was unable to function. I couldn’t move my lips to answer his question. I couldn’t formulate words. I took a slow deep breath and thought to myself: other than once a week going to therapy and pushing away a darkness I try my hardest to forget, nothing. I do nothing at all.

  “She’s an artist. I’ve seen several of her original pieces and can’t wait to see more.” Kai smiled at me before he shoved a forkful of food into his mouth.

  I was relieved Kai had answered for me. Comforted that I didn’t have to speak, that I had a second longer to collect myself.

  “That’s fantastic, Peyton. What type of art do you make?” Mel said.

  “Err …” I felt my voice shake. I cleared my throat. “I love to draw. And I dabble with acrylic paints. But watercolours are my absolute favourite.”

  “I like to paint,” Isla said.

  “Do you? Well maybe we could make something together one day.”

  Isla smiled as she slid down her chair. I envied her innocence.

  “Is there anything you paint in particular?” Rob said.

  “Um, I don’t really like to limit myself when it comes to my art. I know I’m not good at everything; everyone has their specialties. I tend to draw people. Real and imaginative. I love drawing and painting faces and eyes and I try to incorporate stories into them.”

  The night came to an end. I had tried my best to keep up with the conversation. To prove I was interested. As the night progressed, I couldn’t ignore the haunting in my mind from my failed attempt at entering my Art Cave. It felt like a shadow was slowly taking over my brain. I pushed back at it; tried to keep that motion in the dark. But the feeling continued to crawl through my mind. Relodge at the front of my thoughts. I
felt sick to my stomach. The tightening wouldn’t subside.

  I said goodbye to Mel and Rob. Kai’s parents were really nice. I hoped they didn’t see the worrying in my eyes. I was ready for Kai to take me home. Ready to be in a place I knew. As soon as we stepped outside I felt like I would be swallowed into the ground or lifted to the sky. But somehow I managed to make my way to Kai’s car.

  The night air was fresh and made my body tremble. But it wasn’t the real reason why my bones clattered. The stars hid behind the murky clouds. I was thankful for the dark surroundings and hoped they would drown my vulnerability.

  The static from the radio toured between us. The murmur of music played behind it. Kai said he’d tried to fix it, but I didn’t mind. I knew he was going to spark a conversation and I was worried about how well I could hold up my end.

  “So, how was dinner?” Kai said.

  “Fine … It was really nice. The food was great.”

  “I was worried that Mum was going to bring out baby photos of me naked in the paddling pool.” He laughed. “Sorry if Isla or Seth got a bit too in your face. When they like someone they tend to really …”

  “Kai, your family is lovely. Thanks for letting me meet them.”

  The radio continued to play up – I was glad it did. I needed a constant distraction. I hoped I could turn it into a game again. Wondering when a sound would play. Wondering what words would be said. Kai reached for a button then twisted a nozzle and the sound stuck. A song I was unfamiliar with played without static interruptions. Supposedly it was one of the hottest tracks right now, according to the host. It was a bit too repetitive for my liking.