Finding Technicolour Read online

  “He removed his fingers and sat on top of me, taking one wrist in each hand and kept them over my head. I looked him right in the eyes and pleaded for him to stop. I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone if he stopped right then. He replied by leaning over my face and roughly locking his lips on mine. I bit his lip and drew blood. It trickled down his chin. He called me a bitch but I could tell in his sick twisted way he liked it. I could feel him getting harder and I knew what was coming next … He was still on top of me. His weight heavy over me. He said ‘I promise you’ll like it.’ Words of protest wouldn’t leave my mouth. I couldn’t move. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

  “He was inside me and it hurt, but I still couldn’t make a sound. He rocked until he was finished. Then he quickly zipped his trousers up. ‘Thanks for the memories,’ he said, and left.

  “I dropped to the floor in shock. My wrist had cracked but it wasn’t broken. My elbows throbbed as they wacked the ground. I covered myself with my arms. I felt naked. Tears streamed down my face. I was alone. Left with silence. I quickly grabbed my things and ran from the school, not wanting to believe what had happened.

  “I raced home. Every sudden sound made me jump. I rushed to my room, ignoring everything as I went. Mum asked me how my day was and I told her it was fine. I promised myself right then I wasn’t going to tell anyone. I couldn’t tell anyone … It would show how weak I was. How weak I am.

  “I sat on the shower floor and let the water trickle down my back as I sobbed. I couldn’t stop the tears. My skin felt like it was layered in his fingerprints, like they had been tattooed all over my body. Forever marked by his touch. I dropped out of school because I couldn’t stand to be in the same place as him, breathing the same air. I couldn’t stand the way he looked at me in the corridors. He looked at me like I had been conquered. And that he’d do it again.

  “My grades weren’t the best and school was never my favourite place to be. Art class was the only reason I attended. It was the only pleasure I got out of school. I didn’t really have any friends. I had no one to say goodbye to. Leaving that place wasn’t hard. In fact it was easy. It didn’t take too much convincing for my mum – we’d spoken about me dropping out of school a couple of times before – but I know she never thought I would actually go through with it.”

  I glanced at Dr Wilson to see if he was still with me. I didn’t want to pause too long. Otherwise I knew I wouldn’t continue with my confession. My feet were planted on the floor. My chest throbbed. I tried to keep tall but every part of me felt weak. Through my teary eyes I saw that he was still listening. I found the same spot in the room I’d been focusing on.

  “I wanted to be in that crash … I didn’t plan it. It just happened. The crash was my escape. Or a cry for help I guess. I know I shouldn’t have been driving by myself because I only had my learner’s permit, but I wanted to risk it. I had to … My skin still stung with his fingerprints. All I wanted was to escape him and what he did. I was driving, lost in myself. I looked ahead and pictured him in the middle of the road, just metres in front of me. He looked like I had painted him and the water colours were dripping down his body. Without thinking twice, I weighted my foot on the pedal. The engine roared. I kept my sight on him. The road was empty. It was just the two of us. I imagined him running away, heading for the bridge. But I lost sight of him when the car swerved, and I panicked. He flashed in front of the windshield. I pointed the car towards him. I knew what I was doing as I crashed into the bricks. I pretended I had broken his bones, that I had shattered his soul like he did mine … I wanted him to feel my pain.

  “I knew it was just a figment of my imagination. But I didn’t want to stay here if I would always feel weak and used. I was exposed. He exposed me. He broke me. I didn’t want to stay that way. I don’t want to stay that way.”

  There it was. My darkness. My secrets. My past out in the open. Somebody else knew all the details. It was out, in the light.

  I felt tired. Heavy. I stepped towards the cream chair and only just landed in it. Dr Wilson’s eyes followed me but he didn’t speak. He must have beenwaiting to see if there was anything else I had to say.

  There were no more words. Only tears.

  Chapter THIRTY-THREE

  A couple of days had passed. My darkness was still a big part of me, but I felt lighter. I continued to ignore Kai’s texts. I didn’t want to be around him. I couldn’t handle his colours. His light. Even the thought of it became too much. I knew ignoring someone who had given themselves to me physically and emotionally was unkind. I never wanted to be that type of person, but I thought it was for the best.

  I curled on the sofa. The TV was off. I was left with myself. Left with my thoughts. It might not have been the wisest choice, but I wasn’t ready for a colourful, drama-filled distraction or a black and white one. I just wanted to fade away. I wanted to forget.

  My phone beeped.

  I unlocked it and read the text.

  Kai: Just tell me if u hate me. Just give me that answer and if u do I’ll leave u alone. U won’t hear from me again. U won’t have to see me again. Just please let me know.

  My heart hurt. I knew how much I was hurting him. I should never have let things go that far. I replied to his message. It felt like forever since I had.

  Me: I don’t hate you, Kai. I don’t think I ever could.

  I wanted him to reply instantly – like the way he used to. Two minutes passed and there was still nothing. My heartstrings pleaded for a little poem. A single word.

  Something.

  Anything.

  “Then why are you ignoring me, Peyton Swift?!” Kai’s voice entered my ears.

  I stretched out my legs and pushed myself to sit up. My eyes widened. My stomach convulsed. He was there. Outside my house. I was trapped. I knew he wouldn’t leave without seeing me – he wouldn’t leave without speaking to me. Not until he understood my harsh departure from his world.

  I pulled the curtain and peered through the window. He caught me. For a couple of seconds our eyes locked. I swept the curtain closed and dropped to the floor.

  “Peyton?”

  I took slow deep breaths and rose from the floor. I stepped towards the front door. Iknew I had to face him. He wouldn’t leave otherwise. I tried to let my breaths soothe my voice. Calm my thoughts.

  Kai knocked at the door. The sound made me jump.

  “Peyton please open up. I know you’re in there. Please just talk to me.”

  My hands trembled as I unlocked the door. I wasn’t scared. I was nervous. Unprepared for what was about to happen. Slowly I opened the door. There he was – jeans and a jumper, his hair almost touching his shoulders. There he was, waiting for me. Patient. Kind. His face painted with a mix of worry and relief. His eyes about to collect tears.

  Dread pulsed through my chest. What was I supposed say? What was I supposed to do? I didn’t think Kai knew what to say either. I assumed he’d thought he wouldn’t get as far as he had. He probably thought he wouldn’t even see me.

  I licked my lips. “Hi.”

  “Hi? You put me through this shit and just say hi?”

  What I had done wasn’t fair. He had every right to be angry. He had every right to be mad. Upset. Hurt.

  “Peyton, what’s going on? What happened? What did I do wrong?”

  “Nothing … You did nothing wrong.”

  “Then what happened? What’s going on?”

  “I didn’t want to tell you … I don’t know if I want to tell you.”

  “Don’t want to tell me what? You can tell me anything. Everything.”

  I shook my head.

  “Yes you can. When you’re hurting, I am too. When you’re upset, I am too. We’re supposed to share things so we can help each other through our hard times. Let me help.”

  “Not this one, Kai.”

  “Why?”

  I hid behind my walls in my final attempts to protect myself, and him. I kept trying to push him away. It felt like the righ
t thing to do.

  “Why do you care?”

  Kai’s face scrunched up like a piece of paper. “What?”

  I took a quick breath. “I said, why do you care? Just leave me alone. You said you were going in your text. So do it now.”

  “Is that what you want?”

  No.

  “Is it?”

  “Yes.”

  “Fine! Whatever, Peyton. Obviously you never cared about me, that’s why it’s so easy for you to ignore all my messages, all my calls. Forget it. Forget me!” Kai turned and stormed to his car.

  My heart cracked. Tears wouldn’t fall. I lingered in the doorway. I stayed.

  “You know what? Screw this!” Kai twirled around, and continued speaking loudly. I was ready for a neighbour to make an appearance to see what the commotion was about. “Forgive me if I’m concerned over the people I care about!”

  “Kai …”

  “What? You don’t believe me? Peyton, all this time we’ve spent together and you still haven’t grasped the concept of how I feel about you? If you haven’t, then you don’t know me at all.”

  “Kai I … I’m scared.”

  “It’s fine to be scared. Just don’t push away the people who care about you.”

  “It’s not as easy as that.”

  “Then tell me what it is …”

  I bit my lip until it hurt.

  “Peyton, please … You’re my girlfriend. I love you.”

  I opened my mouth but no words followed.

  “Got a problem with that?” Kai said.

  “No.”

  “Good.”

  “I … I love you too.” The words rolled from my tongue. I did love him. That was why I had tried to let him go.

  My frozen tears fell. The iciness could’ve stung my skin if I’d let it. But I wiped them away instead. Kai stared at me with relief and confusion.

  I had to tell him now. I felt like he had to know about my past. I felt like we couldn’t move forward if I didn’t tell him. He had to know my secret. I knew my confession would be the real test of his affections. My confession would make us or break us.

  “Come inside.” I took his hand.

  We made our way to the lounge and sat on the sofa. Our teary eyes locked on one another. He kept his hold on my hand. I sensed that he was scared to let me go, in fear I’d run from him again. I smiled at him as warmly as I could. I wanted him to know I wasn’t going to run. Not this time. I hoped he believed me.

  “Kai.” My tear ducts refilled. “What I’m going to say is hard. And the reason I didn’t want to tell you, the reason I don’t want to tell you, is because I’m scared that you’re not going to want me anymore. That you’re not going to love me anymore. That you’ll look at me differently. And I don’t want you to. I don’t think I can handle it if you do.”

  Kai raised my hand to his lips and gently kissed my knuckles. His touch gave me a dose of strength. “You can say whatever it is.”

  “Promise me you’ll just listen. You won’t interrupt or force things that I might not be ready for … Just let me say it all before you speak.”

  He looked at me, confused.

  “You’ll understand when I’m telling you. Just please promise me that.”

  Kai nodded. “I promise.”

  I released my hand from his. I slid back a little so we weren’t so close. Kai watched my movements. I took several deep breaths. “A little while ago, when I was still at school, I stayed behind in art class to clean my work station. Another student came into the room and suddenly started closing the blinds. Then, he locked door.” I dropped my sight to my knees and closed my eyes. I licked my lips. My limbs trembled. I took a scattered breath, partly unsure if the next words would leave my lips. “He raped me.”

  I breathed in and looked at Kai. His jaw was clenched. I knew once I had admitted everything during my therapy session it would make it a little easier to tell Kai – if I were ever going to tell him. But it was never going to hurt less when the words left my lips. It was never going to minimise my fear that he would never want to see me again.

  “That’s the reason I dropped out of school. I couldn’t handle seeing him, being near him. That’s the reason I crashed the car. All my memories were dark, soaked with the way he made me feel. I didn’t want to live like that anymore … The night I was driving, my mind was distracted. I swerved and I remember panicking. But I didn’t care if I was going to crash. Afterwards the injuries made me feel a little better, because I could feel physical pain. All the other pain was inside my head. I felt better having wounds on the outside, because people could see I was injured. That I was hurting.”

  I watched as Kai’s face changed. The thing I didn’t want the most had happened. Were the colours he saw me in fading?

  I took Kai’s hand and led him down the hall. He followed me willingly. Without question. Although I had requested his silence, it made me hurt. I wanted to know the thoughts that ran through his mind. I wanted to know what he thought about me now. My free hand slightly trembled as I touched the door handle. I squeezed Kai’s hand and hoped his touch would offer me more strength. I opened the door. Kai had been my anchor, and I knew right then I had to be his. Even if that was the last time we would be together. Even if that was the last time I would see his eyes. I switched the light on. We stepped into the room.

  “Kai Pearson, welcome to my Art Cave.”

  Welcome to the place that I hid my secret.

  I directed him towards the easel. Towards the three canvases where I had expressed my secret. Where I had expressed my hurt. My anger. My truths. We stood in front of the paintings. I didn’t let go of his hand. He didn’t even attempt to let go of mine. I forced myself to remember what it felt like when we held hands. Because a part of me believed it was the last time we would be. I gazed up at him. His eyes scanned my art. His eyes examined my work. They saw my hurt. My pain. My darkness.

  “These are what I made after it happened.”

  Kai studied them. He still hadn’t said a word since I had made him promise to just listen.

  “Um, you can say something now, if you want to …” My eyes remained locked on him. His lips slowly opened. I was ready for his words to exit his mouth. In that moment I didn’t care what they were. I just wanted to hear his voice.

  “They’re so honest.”

  I tried to settle my fast heart. “That’s why I couldn’t come in here … I tried my hardest to forget what happened. I tried my hardest to ignore the hurt. Then the crash happened and I couldn’t help but think it was a gift, because that part of my past was a little blurred. But it didn’t take long for the nightmares to kick in and for me to remember it again. Every time I shook them from my mind, until I couldn’t shake them anymore.”

  “You remembered everything when we kissed in the car and I touched you?”

  I nodded.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “No Kai, it’s not your fault. I remembered what happened before that night, it’s just that I couldn’t hide away from it anymore. And remembering everything was going to happen no matter what, no matter where I was.”

  Kai stared back at the paintings. “And you went to therapy instead of doing art?”

  “Yes and no. The doctor thought it might help talking about things.”

  “The doctor knew?”

  “No. He wanted me to talk about the crash. He didn’t know there were other things involved.” At least I didn’t think he did.

  “And that’s the guy who …” Kai nodded at the portrait with his whole body clenched. He asked the question I didn’t want him to.

  I continued to look at him. Hoped my constant stare would avert his attention towards me. But his eyes didn’t leave that canvas. “Yeah.”

  “Have you told the police? The school? Any …” Kai stopped himself. He must have remembered the promise. He turned to me. Our eyes met.

  Was that it? Were we finished? Did he hate me now?

  “Thank you,” Kai
said.

  I bit my lip. Tried to hold back the sobs I felt growing.

  “Thank you for telling me. Thank you for trusting me, for letting me see your darkness. Thank you for letting me into your Art Cave, for showing me this art … But most of all, thank you for letting me love you and for loving me.”

  I burst into tears. Without hesitating, he wrapped his arms around me. I fell to his chest. Our hearts crashed into one another.

  “Do you still love me?”

  “More than anything,” Kai whispered. He kissed the top of my head. “What happened to you doesn’t change the way I feel about you.”

  Tears rolled down my chin.

  The next morning I crawled into Mum’s bed. I knew I had to tell her. I felt like she had a right to know. I hated keeping things from her. She was my confidante. A part of my heart. I knew telling Mum was going to be different. More difficult because I knew she would take action. We would be going to the police station; we would be pressing charges and my old school would be informed. I would have to share my state with strangers. Share what had embarrassed and hurt me for so long.

  Mum and I snuggled under the blankets. I took a deep breath and looked into her bright eyes. “Mum I need to tell you something …”

  “What is it?”

  “I didn’t want to keep it from you. I just didn’t know what else to do. Please don’t hate me.”

  “Peyton sweetheart, I could never hate you. And you know you can tell me anything. You’re kind of scaring me, what’s happened?”

  “Um, can you promise that you won’t interrupt? That you’ll just listen. If you don’t I don’t know if I can get through this.”

  Mum nodded. Worry overtook her.

  “I meant to crash the car. I mean, I didn’t mean for it to happen. I didn’t plan it. It’s just … I wanted to escape what happened to me before I dropped out of school. Mum … I was raped by a boy at school.”