Finding Technicolour Read online

  Chapter THIRTEEN

  A cold raindrop hit my cheek and shook me from my daze. I looked to my phone for the time. I was going to set my stopwatch, but it was too late. I was already out in the open. I didn’t have the strength to focus on anything other than surviving outside – around other people. My desire for an answer about what Kai had planned for us had dwindled. I didn’t want to have anything to do with him. I didn’t want to be around him. I didn’t want to be around myself.

  Earlier that morning, Mum and I were on the phone with a lawyer. She said that she was working on getting me a Good Behaviour Bond. I glanced at Mum and shared her concerns. Guilt weighed on me because of all the costs. I didn’t mean for this to happen.

  The rain continued to fall but I was glad I hadn’t brought an umbrella. The pain medication I had taken this morning was working too well. In my own twisted way, I wanted to feel the pain from my wounds. Dr Enderson advised me that walking would be good for my limbs. He said staying mobile would help me. But today, taking the medication and losing that feeling of pain, only made my mind return to what I remembered. Having no physical pain meant there was no distraction.

  I decided to avoid the coffee shop. I didn’t want to see Kai. It was too risky. So I walked to the other side of town. I never usually went that far. There was not much to see. For the past year and a half that area had been under renovation. Recently there was a lot of hype in the community because it was announced the shops would be opening soon. Mum couldn’t wait to do more shopping. I, on the other hand, wasn’t fazed.

  The damp streets were empty. As the days passed the temperature had dropped and I was happy it was winter. The coldness was something I liked.

  I made my way past the newly wooden-framed windows. The stores stretched down the street, side by side. Some were still empty, others were being filled and storekeepers were arranging their front windows. I continued slowly down the street, inhaling the thick smell of rain and paint mixed with wood shavings. The air stung my lungs. But the feeling didn’t last long enough for me to latch onto the distraction.

  Stepping over the cracks, trying to not fall through, wasn’t working for me either. I looked up and couldn’t believe it. What was he doing there?

  As our eyes met, I froze like an ice statue. He took one step in my direction and I swivelled around trying to skip away. I tripped over myself. My hands smashed onto the cold asphalt and began to throb. I grinned at the feeling. The distraction.

  I heard feet jog towards me.

  “Peyton, are you all right?”

  “I’m fine.” I was never usually that clumsy.

  Kai reached out his hand. “Here, let me help you up.”

  “I’ve got it.” I pushed myself up then patted down my soggy clothes.

  “So what brings you to this side of town?”

  Trying to avoid you.

  “You’re visiting the enemy aren’t you? And by enemy I mean the new coffee shop that’s opening a few doors down from here. Because the one I work at, it has class, tradition … better coffee. I mean this one is … I don’t think it suits your style … and I mean … it stinks of fresh paint.”

  “I see you’ve sussed out the enemy then.”

  “I may have stepped inside for a brief moment. I went in undercover, like a secret investigator, to check out the competition.”

  A car rushed past us. I flinched. I closed my eyes and focused on my throbbing hands. The feeling was dwindling. The distraction was slowly ending. I couldn’t look Kai in the eyes; his brightness was overwhelming.

  “Peyton, are you OK?”

  “Yeah, I just … I’ve got to get home.”

  “Well, let me give you a lift. There’s a storm brewing and I’d hate to think that you were out in it … that I left you in it.”

  “Thanks Kai, but I really need the walk.”

  “Well let me walk with you.”

  I separated my lips to respond – kindly declining his offer – then realised during these past few seconds my mind hadn’t wandered to my past. The throbbing had vanished but I had a new distraction.

  “What about if we walk to my car? It’s just up the road … the same direction you’d be walking.” He smiled.

  “OK.”

  Kai and I strolled side by side.

  “So what were you doing this side of town? You were checking out the new coffee shop, weren’t you? Be honest … I can take it.”

  “I actually forgot there was a new coffee shop opening. I just wanted some new scenery, that’s all.”

  We continued to stroll. A mist of rain descended.

  “Kai?”

  “Yeah?”

  “What was in the school? What did you plan for us?”

  Kai kept his sights ahead. The seconds dragged before he answered. “We didn’t go in, so it doesn’t matter.”

  “I want to know. Please.”

  “Why?”

  “Because since my accident I’ve felt like a broken puzzle. Part of me doesn’t want to find the missing pieces, because they’re not missing at all. I know exactly where they are … But please, don’t take away another piece.” I fought the tears that pricked my eyes and composed my breathing. I felt him turn to me. I could tell he was deciding whether to give me the real answer or not. I didn’t look at him. I was beginning to slowly crumble. Retreat. I didn’t want him to see me cry.

  Kai took a breath. To my relief he spoke. All the energy I was focusing on keeping myself together was redirected to his words.

  “I broke into an art room half an hour or so earlier. I took a picnic basket, set the food on the table, along with candles – unlit I might add. I’m not that stupid. I was going to ask you to close your eyes then I could light them so you saw everything in candlelight. You would have all the art essentials you needed to create something and show me your mad art skills. And I say that without seeing a piece of your work. We would have shared stories, secrets maybe. And I would’ve asked you for a third date.”

  His words cut me, although I knew that was not their intention. Yet they’d officially been added to the collection of injuries I already wore. In that moment, I felt even worse. The conversation felt like it would accomplish nothing, other than prove I was a selfish person. I felt like I had just butchered this guy’s hard work. He did all of that to impress me, and without even seeing it, without even experiencing it, I was impressed. Nobody had ever gone to as much trouble to do anything like that for me before.

  “I’m sorry … I ruined it all.”

  “No you didn’t.”

  I turned to him. “You don’t have to act all nice about it. Yes, I did. I ruined your plans. All your hard work.”

  “Yeah, OK.” Kai snickered. “You kind of did. But you must have had a good reason. I could see you hate that place. I’m sorry I made you feel like I was pushing you … If I had known it was your old school and you never wanted to go there again we wouldn’t have ended up there. I guess I didn’t want to take no for an answer ’cause I wanted you to see it.” We stopped at his car.

  I guess I’ve spoilt things. I’ve spoilt this. Whatever this was. “Well, at least now you don’t have to ask me for that third date.”

  “What? The third date is still happening,” he spluttered.

  “But it’s been a week and we haven’t even …”

  “You’ve just made me have to think a little harder. Plan something you most certainly cannot say no to. Which reminds me, we’ve been on one pre-date, two actual dates, even though the second one wasn’t fully followed through, and we haven’t even exchanged numbers. Hand me your phone.”

  A bubble of happiness jolted through me. A feeling I didn’t anticipate. A feeling I was unprepared for. A colour I wasn’t expecting. The distraction was working, so I continued to play along. We exchanged numbers. My stomach fluttered.

  “I’m going to continue my stroll.” I awkwardly pointed in no given direction.

  “Oh, all right then. You sure you don’t want to
me drop you home?”

  “I’m sure. But thanks.”

  I continued walking. My phone rang. I looked at the name displayed. I couldn’t stop the corners of my mouth from lifting. “Hello.”

  “Hi. It’s Kai.”

  “Hi.”

  “I just wanted to make sure I have the right number and that you still want to go on our third date.”

  “You mean you wanted to check if I gave you my real number?”

  “I just didn’t want it to be wrong, that’s all.”

  “OK, well, is this proof enough?” I stopped walking away and turned to face him and half-heartedly raised my hand to wave.

  I heard his small breathy laugh. “Yeah.”

  “Well I better get home now…”

  “OK. Bye.”

  I walked home with a smile stencilled on my face. I played our conversation over and over again. This distraction was sweeter than the ones I caused myself. I scrolled through the list of contacts and found his name, then clicked on it.

  Me: Yes, by the way.

  Kai: To what?

  Me: Going on our third date.

  Kai: Just tell me when. And maybe u choose where this time. I’ll bring the rest.

  Chapter FOURTEEN

  It was late morning. I was bored. I had done my usual morning act, which felt like a daily ritual. Eat breakfast – which consisted of sprinkling some flakes or oats in a bowl and drowning them with milk. I sat at the kitchen table, soaked in silence, and carelessly swirled the spoon as if I were hypnotised. I usually ate a few spoonfuls until my body insisted I was full or not hungry. I’d throw the sloppy cereal away, then empty the dishwasher. After that I’d make my way down the hall. Mum had arranged frames on the wall. They were filled with some of our favourite family moments. Photographs of when Liam and I were babies. A close-up family selfie taken just over a year ago, our three smiles wide and bright. I stared at the picture. My heart swelled, yet I wondered if I’d ever feel as much happiness as had been captured in that photo.

  My grey state took over. My body grew numb. I sombrely walked to the bathroom, brushed my teeth and washed my face. I barely looked at myself in the mirror. I could count on one hand how many times I had stared at myself – really looked at myself – since returning home from hospital. That day was no different. The mirror offered me no interest. I didn’t know who I really was anymore, and right now I wasn’t curious to find out. I didn’t really want to see my face. Since being home I would close my eyes as I dressed myself, so there was no chance to catch a glimpse of my healing wounds. Would they ever be beautiful? At that time I didn’t really care. They were there for one purpose and one purpose only. The time I would look at them was when I’d pick at them in the shower. Force a speck of pain. Then let the water wash it away. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see the marks that day. I wasn’t sure if I was ready.

  My ears latched on to the sound of a passing car. The humming of its engine and the rush of tyres lasted for just seconds. The brief noise was a welcome change. I opened my eyes and took a deep breath as I searched my bedroom. The turquoise feature wall was fading and chipping. I kept my blinds closed to keep the darkness. For a change I had made my bed and arranged my cushions. The smell of vanilla, from a large candle Mum bought me last Christmas, stuck in my nostrils. I liked the aroma – simple and sweet.

  I flopped on my bed. Home alone again. I liked being by myself. I didn’t have to put on a show or convince someone I was fine. I knew Mum knew there was something going on, that I wasn’t the same girl from several months ago – the girl who was slightly outgoing and dreamt of exploring the world. I think she believed the therapy sessions were helping. That was also why I still went to them – because it was helping her.

  I stared at the ceiling, silently questioning what I was doing with myself. What I should be doing with myself. A small speck of me missed school. Missed the regularity of it all.

  What was I thinking? I hated that place. I never wanted to go back.

  Without warning, memories flashed. They arrived so quickly that I couldn’t shake them away. All I could see were eyes filled with hatred. The trickle of blood. Blurred movements. I wanted to scream. A sharp pain stung my chest. I couldn’t breathe. I rushed to leave my bedroom. Searched for an escape. I stumbled down the hall, leaving the vanilla scent behind, and hurriedly made my way outside. The fresh air met me. I wheezed in the cold. The imagery vanished. I fell to the ground. Defeated. I inhaled slowly until my wheezing became controlled breaths. Rain grazed my skin. It felt heavier as the seconds passed. But it could have been the collection of tears that rested on my cheeks. I crouched on the grass and wished I could be cleansed of the secret I was keeping. Cleansed of this part of me I didn’t want. The part of me I tried to forget.

  I wasn’t entirely ready for our date, although this time I was determined not to ruin it. I had begun to overanalyse the appropriateness of this moment. Because of what had happened to me, I wasn’t totally ready for this moment. Was it something I could handle? It kind of helped that I knew where we were going. Still, nerves sauntered through me. There was still time to cancel. But I knew if I did, I wouldn’t have a distraction.

  The doorbell rang. Mum answered it as I sat on the sofa and laced up my shoes.

  “Hello Ms Swift.”

  “Hi Kai. And please, just call me Emma.”

  I made my way to the front door. The three of us stood together.

  “My intensions with your daughter remain the same. Although this time round, I’m determined to give her the best third date.”

  Mum smiled her beautiful smile. I could tell she liked him, which kind of made this easier. “Off with you two.”

  Kai wore his black leather jacket and black jeans with a dark-green V-neck t-shirt and a black fedora, which suited him perfectly. His slightly curly hair was slicked back, revealing his fresh forehead. The ends of his hair fell just above his shoulders. He looked hotter than I remembered. I was unprepared for the colours he exuded. Unprepared for the light he radiated.

  “Ready for round three?” His cheeky smile stretched across his face.

  We arrived at my chosen destination. His tin can of a car got us there safely. We strolled into the ice-cream restaurant. It looked like it had been built in the 1950s – bright red fake-leather booths near the walls, small round two-seater tables arranged on the floor. We walked inside. Music played. Mum, Liam and I had been there every year on the first day of summer until we had grown out of the tradition. It was sad, really. I felt like I was missing out. But I knew I would always have those happy memories.

  There was a crowd of people, and I was thankful; I needed them to be there.

  Kai and I strolled to the counter. There were rows of tubs of different flavoured ice-cream and containers filled with too many types of toppings and sauces to count.

  “So why here?” Kai asked.

  I looked up at him. He was the perfect height. I could stand on my tiptoes and steal a kiss from him, if I wanted. I shook the idea from my thoughts. Tried to make it look like I was adjusting my hair through a flick.

  “Have you never been here?”

  “No.” Kai shook his head and slightly scrunched his nose and lips.

  I liked it when he did that.

  “Well, I haven’t been here in a long time and I have so many fond memories of this place, I thought it would be nice to come back here. Years ago, coming here was a treat. One my brother and I couldn’t wait for. Mum would let us order anything we wanted. One time, the three of us shared the Gigantor. It was supposed to be a challenge for just one person, and if they finished it all, they would get free ice-cream from the shop for a whole year. We took on the challenge and devoured it all. The owners were the nicest couple and gave my brother and me a little prize for eating it all, even though it was kind of cheating.” I smiled to myself. Right then, in that moment, I missed being a kid. I missed having no responsibilities. No worries. I also missed Liam and decided to text him w
hen I got home.

  Kai and I ordered our ice-creams then made our way to an empty booth. The spongy seats were just like I remembered, but the table felt lower.

  We ate our frozen desserts.

  “Tell me something,” Kai said.

  “What do you want to know?”

  “Everything. Anything.” He licked his spoon clean.

  I bit my bottom lip. Was that because I wanted to kiss him? Or was it just an act of nerves? All I knew was that he wanted to know about me, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to. What would happen if he didn’t like what he saw? I was glad of the dark, baggy clothes I wore. They were layers that shielded me.

  “Um …” I gazed around the room and thought of the first thing that came to mind – other than wanting know what it would be like to kiss him. “I’m a winter type of girl.”

  “And what does that mean?”

  “I prefer it when it’s winter.”

  He stayed quiet, making me feel the need to elaborate.

  “I love to snuggle with a blanket and listen to the rain as it falls. I like the sound the branches make when the wind rushes through them. If you listen carefully, it’s like they’re whispering to one another,”

  I couldn’t believe I just said that. That must’ve sounded so lame.

  “What about you?” I shoved a huge spoonful of ice-cream into my mouth so words could no longer exit.

  “What? Do I like winter?”

  I nodded as I tried to mumble through my mouthful.

  “I like all seasons. Some more than others. Summer’s my favourite though.”

  We finished our ice-creams but remained at the booth and continued to talk. I felt like I was the only girl in the world. Like at that very moment we were the only two people in the world. When I spoke he was always intrigued. He always wanted to know more. Every side of what I thought. I could tell he just wanted to understand. He looked at me and only me. Other customers walked into the restaurant – families with their boisterous children, other high schoolers – girls much prettier than me. From the corner of my eye I saw them check him out, silently wondering what was someone like him doing with someone like me. But his attention never strayed.