Finding Technicolour Read online

  Was that what he meant by preparing for a second date – impressing my mum?

  “Well then, I’ll leave you two to it … And no later than eleven would be an appropriate hour.”

  I’d never had a curfew – I knew Mum was testing him.

  “Ten thirty it is then,” Kai said.

  The nerves stroking through me had partially left when I saw Kai at my door. There was something about him that made me feel almost safe. I wasn’t fully ready to acknowledge the excitement I was beginning to feel, but I knew it was there. I still needed my dark sanctuary, unwilling to breathe life into the colours happiness could bring. I took a deep breath and hoped Kai hadn’t noticed the internal battle I was waging.

  We walked to a rusty tin with wheels, which I assumed was his car. He opened the door for me. I stood frozen on the driveway. The fears I’d been ignoring sprang to the surface. I wanted to get in the car – if only to sit. But I couldn’t move.

  “Is everything OK?” Kai asked.

  I didn’t look at him, but felt his stare. My eyes remained locked to his car – a gaze I could not break. My breaths became shallow as the lump grew in my throat.

  “The car works perfectly fine I promise. She may look a little rusty but she was, is, in tip top shape.”

  I shook my head and cleared my throat. The words slipped out of my mouth. “I was in a car crash.”

  I didn’t want to tell him. It was never my plan to chuck that in his face. I didn’t want to see sympathy sitting in his eyes. I didn’t want him to feel bad for me.

  For the first time since leaving my house, I looked at him, my sights finally free from gazing at the car. Somehow, I felt like I could breathe a little easier.

  “Oh … I’m sorry.” Everything changed about him. His body language. His face. His eyes. “We don’t have to drive if you don’t want … How do you feel about walking?”

  A fresh gust of wind pushed between us. I knew a storm was about to begin. I didn’t want to be the reason we caught pneumonia.

  “No. I’ve been in a car since it happened … I … I just haven’t been driving with someone other than my mum.”

  “Well I promise to take it slow. I’ll drive at a speed you feel comfortable with. If you want to stop you say the word and we’ll stop. I don’t care where we are, I’ll pull over and we can figure it out … Our date destination isn’t far from here anyway. Like I said, we can walk there if you prefer. These boots are made for walking …” Kai lifted his foot, his high-top black boots looked like they might break at any second.

  “No … We can drive there.”

  “Well OK then, whenever you’re ready, Miss Swift.”

  He remained a modern gentleman and held onto the door. I stepped inside and buckled up as he gently shut the door. He walked to the other side and got behind the wheel. “Are you OK?”

  “Yeah.”

  No.

  Maybe.

  Kai started the car. The engine roared. It was much louder than I anticipated. I jumped at the sound and reached for the dashboard. Kai looked at me. Worry splattered across his face. I didn’t want his sympathy.

  “Are you all right? Do you want me to shut it off?”

  I shook my head and rearranged my scarf. “No.” I stroked my thighs and breathed deeply. I focused forward to the road ahead. “Just go slow.”

  He pulled off the kerb. The motion was bumpy and rough. The wheels were flat on the road. We began to move. If I’d closed my eyes I could’ve pretended I was rollerblading – not that I’d done that since I was a kid – but that’s what the drive down the street felt like.

  “Is this OK?” Kai asked.

  “You can go a little quicker, if you want.”

  “Dare devil. I like it.”

  He placed his foot down on the pedal and we moved a little faster. If our windows had been down, there would have been a soft breeze.

  The roads were quiet; it made me feel a little safer. During the short drive there wasn’t much conversation, other than Kai asking if I was OK and me replying “Yes”. The radio kept cutting out. Kai tried to find a signal and change the station. He didn’t try for very long. I could tell he wanted to completely focus on driving. My ears latched onto the crackling, then the songs whispered through the speakers. It was a distraction. I turned it into a game to keep myself occupied.

  It wasn’t until we parked the car that I realised where we were. Through the window, I searched the empty carpark. Why were we there? There of all places.

  My old high school.

  For our second date he took me to a place I promised myself I would never go again.

  “What are we doing here?”

  “Well I think it would be fun to break in and hang out in there,” Kai said.

  “Why? That doesn’t sound like much fun.”

  “Have you ever done it before?”

  “No.”

  “Then it’s a new experience for both of us!”

  “You’ve never done it before either?”

  “No, I have. But I’ve never broken into a school with you before.”

  “And I don’t think you will. I don’t want to.”

  “Why?” Kai asked.

  “I just don’t want to.”

  “You’ve gotta give me a reason.”

  “This is my old high school, Kai! I dropped out a little while ago and promised myself I’d never come back here.”

  “Well, we can make an exception – have you ever seen the school at night?”

  “I don’t want to!”

  “Come on …”

  “Is this what you do? Push people to do things they don’t want to just so you can feel like you’re living.”

  “That’s not why we’re here.”

  “Why then?”

  “I planned our perfect second date. There are things waiting for you in there.”

  “Things? Like what?”

  “Well it’s all supposed to be a surprise.”

  “Another thing you should know about me. I don’t like surprises.”

  “Got it.”

  “You either tell me what you’ve planned in there or you take me home.”

  Kai sighed. He turned the key in the ignition. The engine rumbled. That time I was ready for the sound. We drove back to my house in silence. The radio didn’t try to make a noise. Kai didn’t even ask me if I was OK. Maybe he didn’t care anymore.

  The sky continued its darkening act. The minutes passed and I grew angrier. Frustrated. Part of me wanted to know what he had planned for me in there. Was it sexual? Was it supposed to be romantic? The other part of me just wanted to get out of the car and never see him again.

  Kai pulled into my driveway. As I unbuckled, he jumped out of the car and came to the passenger side. I flung open the door before he had a chance to try and woo me with his charm.

  “This was the worst best second date I’ve ever been on!”

  “In my mind it didn’t play out like this …”

  “Well not everything in life can be planned out … Goodbye Kai Pearson.” I stormed off before he could say anything else. He could have called out as I walked to the front door, but he didn’t.

  Slamming the door released some of the anger I carried. My heart sank. Was I disappointed? I made my way to the lounge and peeked out the window. I stared at him. He was looking to the stars, his shoulders raised as he breathed deeply. He closed the passenger door then made his way to the driver’s seat. The car engine grumbled and made me jump. The headlights shone as he reversed away.

  I closed the curtains. My heart grew heavy. I was disappointed.

  “P, what are you doing back so early?”

  “I wasn’t in the mood for a date. I’m just going to go to bed.”

  “Is everything all right? Are you all right?”

  “Yeah. It’s fine. I’m fine.”

  “Did something happen?”

  “Mum, I just want to go to bed. Night.”

  I felt weighted as I close
d my bedroom door. I couldn’t stop my hands trembling. They’d been like that since the accident, but it was starting to go away. It wasn’t until I noticed that the rest of me was shaking that I realised I wasn’t trembling because of a side effect. My bones were clattering because I was remembering.

  My breaths were scattered. Through teary eyes I searched for a distraction. But my mind wasn’t letting me latch onto anything other than the flashes, which grew stronger with every short breath. I bit my lip and shook my head. I remembered the sound of the door locking. It was abnormally loud. I was frozen. Trapped. I remembered running with nowhere to run.

  A tear rolled down my chin. I’d known since I’d been home from hospital that my bedroom was no longer my sanctuary. I hated the fact that this place where I could once find countless distractions no longer offered me one in my greatest time of need. I shut my eyes and clasped my hands around my head, pretending that that would cut my thoughts short. But I remembered the blinds being shut. I remembered screaming to no one.

  I opened my eyes and searched my bedroom. For a moment it felt like I was back there – in that room. I twisted my door handle and cracked open the door. I could get out. I could run. I could run to Mum – if I wanted. I could tell her. I shut my door and lent against it. Every part of me shook.

  I squeezed my arm. Pressed onto the largest cut I had. I squeezed harder and harder until my entire thoughts had to focus on the pain. I took slow deeps breaths in my final attempt to take back control of my thought pattern.

  The physical pain was all I could feel. I throbbed. My heart. My brain. My arm.

  I placed myself on the edge of my bed. My hand still resting on my injury – ready to squeeze if a hint of my past flashed.

  I wished I had known Kai was going to take me to my old school. I could’ve stopped him. I could’ve stopped this. I knew going on the date was a bad idea. My darkness would’ve been easier to crawl into if I hadn’t of spent so much time with his light.

  Chapter TWELVE

  I woke from a nightmare. This time I didn’t forget it. How could I? I had already remembered so much last night. I sprang upright. Panted. I clutched my blankets and raised them to my chin. My jaw trembled. Tears rolled down my cheek. I knew it wasn’t a nightmare. It was my reality. My past. My secret.

  Sobbing into my sheets, I didn’t want my crying to wake Mum. I didn’t want her to see me like that. I couldn’t let her see me like that. I knew she thought I was starting to feel better. I didn’t want to taint her hope for me.

  I dried my eyes and cheeks. They felt raw from previous rough wiping. It was 3.02 am. The poisonous thoughts weighed me down. I rested my head on the pillow. Covered my whole body with blankets. Warmth radiated. I breathed deeply to calm myself – keep the recollection at bay. The dark night sheltered me. I just wished it could have halted that nightmare or made it vanish. I closed my eyes, but I knew I wouldn’t go back to sleep.

  Every session with Dr Wilson he followed my lead of where to sit. I often felt the need to sit somewhere different. This time we sat opposite each other. No desk between us. It made me feel a little more comfortable. But my heart was still unsure. My inner whisperings kept me cautious.

  I leant back in the cushioned chair – it’s comfort almost reassuring. I stroked my thighs as I peered at Dr Wilson. He was leaning back, his ankle resting on his knee, his fingers linked and resting on his thigh. He was a man in his forties with a calming energy. Casual and welcoming. I believed I could tell him anything, even though I knew I wouldn’t tell him everything.

  We did our usual welcome: How are you? Fine. How are you?

  My mind raced with thoughts of my early-morning recollection. I closed my eyes and sighed, then just blurted out: “Last night I remembered something … something that happened to me … and no matter how hard I try, it won’t leave me alone. And even though I know it’s real, I know it happened, I don’t want to believe it.”

  Dr Wilson remained still. He didn’t speak. He just listened.

  I quickly flicked a tear from my eye, hoping he didn’t see it. A stitch of nerves locked in my stomach. Their sharpness brought pain. I clutched at my arm and stretched my skin. I was scared to tell him what I remembered. I was scared to tell him the truth. I didn’t want the judgement. I didn’t want the sympathy. But I wanted it out of my mind. I wanted it off my chest. Maybe I did have to tell him everything.

  I inhaled a scattered breath. I took a chance. “I haven’t told anyone this. Actually I’m still deciding whether I should tell you or not. Things could be easier if I don’t, but maybe they could also be easier if I do. My past has been eating away at me for so long … and I thought I could shake it away. I thought I could make it go away. You know? Forget about it. But every time I try, it creeps its way back to me. And after my crash, I thought maybe I had forgotten … I went on a date with that boy, that I told you about, and he took me somewhere, a place I promised myself I’d never go again. He didn’t know that, so things didn’t go so well. I made him take me home and then my past, it came flooding back … parts of it anyway.”

  I glanced at Dr Wilson. I knew he knew there was something more going on with me – I could tell by the way his skin curved, his pupils opened. I guess after that little rant he was under the impression there’s more to me than my accident.

  I didn’t know if I could function in the outside, if I left this session without telling him. I averted my eyes from his. Unprepared to watch their sparkle dim. I moved my hands and rested them on my knees. They were shaking. I didn’t attempt to stop them.

  “I never wanted anyone to know what happened … I thought that I could figure this out on my own. I thought I could fight this on my own. But I don’t think I will ever be able to run away from it.”

  I bit my lip, hard. When the pain hit, I realised we’d been sitting in silence. I was glad Dr Wilson hadn’t said anything. If he had, I think I would’ve lost the will to share as soon as his soothing voice hit my eardrums. I let the sound of the rain meeting the windows drown to the background. My chest hurt as I drew breath.

  “I was raped.”

  My body grew numb. I felt a wave of nothingness engulf me. I twiddled my fingers, but I didn’t feel the movement. I couldn’t feel myself breathe. I pushed down on one of my scabs. I felt nothing. I panicked. “Dr Wilson, noone can know. You can’t tell anyone.”

  Dr Wilson placed his foot on the floor.

  I retreated. The chair nudged backwards.

  Guilt smudged over his face. “I’m sorry, Peyton …”

  I held my breath. My eyes stared at him. I knew I had just overreacted. I readjusted the chair in silence. “Please promise me you won’t tell anyone … I …”

  “Peyton, our sessions are strictly confidential.”

  “Promise me you won’t tell.”

  Dr Wilson put his hand to his chest. “I promise.”

  I needed to hear him say those exact words. It made me feel as though it was still my secret to keep, to lock up and throw away the key. But now maybe having another pair of hands to hold the burden would help me.

  “Peyton, are you comfortable to discuss what happened to you in any further detail?”

  In my mind I repeated his question. “I don’t remember everything, just that it happened.”

  He began to take a breath, ease his way into another question, but before he could speak, I cut him off. “Can we talk about something else, now?”

  “This is something we should talk about in more depth, but right now, if talking about something else will make you feel more comfortable, of course.” He leant back in his chair. I think he was disappointed.

  I should have had a subject ready to change to.

  “Um, I think I hate that boy I met. The one I told you about last week … I think we broke up, even though we weren’t really together … Is it weird or wrong if I do breakup-type things? You know, burn the clothing he saw me in or write a list of reasons why I hate him.”

  “Gr
ieving the end of a relationship is a natural occurrence and we all grieve differently.”

  “But I wouldn’t call what we had a relationship … We met, then went our separate ways in a matter of ninety-six hours, give or take.”

  “But you experienced the beginning and the end of something.”

  “I don’t really know what that’s supposed to mean. He did this surprise thing for me. I don’t like surprises. I like to know things. I like to be prepared. But I don’t feel like I’m prepared for anything anymore. Not since what happened to me and then the accident.”

  There they were. His grey eyes. They looked into me deeper, silently begging me to continue. Begging me to open up my thoughts and feelings. I already had. I couldn’t go any further. Not in that session. I had told him what I remembered. What was part of my past – my truth. I had confessed what I didn’t want to believe.

  Dr Wilson looked at me softly. I wasn’t going to give in.

  “That surprise he did for me, I want to know what it was.”

  He nodded. I knew he was disappointed – again.

  “I know this all sounds mysterious, me not telling you names or locations. But I don’t know what was supposed to happen or how I’m supposed to feel.”

  “Sometimes, Peyton, not knowing can be a good thing. But discovering new feelings and allowing yourself to embrace such emotion could be beneficial.”

  Sometimes I hated the therapy sessions. Dr Wilson always answered my questions or provided advice so cryptically. I felt even more confused with what I should or shouldn’t do with myself.

  My eyes found the clock. Time was up. The session had finished. I glanced at him.

  “I think we’re done for today, Peyton. Unless there is anything else you would like to discuss.”

  I bit my lip and shook my head.

  “OK then. I shall see you next week.”

  “Bye.” I left his office. The door clicked closed. A weight lifted off my shoulders. I took a breath. That wasn’t so bad.